Aloneliness

You end up getting to know yourself a little better once you're comfortable facing the judging stares of society. I say that in both the literal and metaphorical sense.

I had dinner by myself for the first time this year. It's been a whole of mine for a while to have dinner by myself in a sit-down restaurant with waiter service without reading material or any sort of distractions. I know it's a strange desire. Most people use going out as a way to enjoy the company of others.

I chose an easy restaurant where this type of dining is common. I had my dinner in the restaurant of a hotel while I was on a business trip, and I was able to cross this goal off my list.

Tonight, I had dinner by myself again (though I was smarter and brought reading material). This time, it was in a restaurant where dining by yourself is not a common occurrence, as I deciphered from the surprised look on my hostess's face. Yet I felt completely comfortable eating alone. It's probably because I had already done it once this year, but the glances at my table from both waiters and other diners didn't bother me.

From this experience, I realized that sometime during the past 5 years, being alone and being lonely no longer mean the same thing to me. My feelings of loneliness only creep back on occasion as I become more and more comfortable with the thought of being alone. I used to enjoy being alone because I needed to recharge from social situations, but it was inevitable that the feeling of loneliness would return. Yet I've now come to better appreciate being alone because I know that I won't be alone for long.

This experience helps me better understand what it means to be my own person. There's a very thin line between defying social norms and becoming an outcast, but hopefully I haven't yet stepped to the side of being a social outcast. I just want to find ways of not being bound by what everybody else says is the right thing to do. Even if it's being able to enjoy a Reuben sandwich while reading Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson.